Bad Jokes

I have a lot of power right now. I could write anything. Including my assignment that I'm currently avoiding. I should probably just get on to that. Thing is though, that I tend to leave things to the last minute - hence one of my previous posts.

Currently I am trying to think of hilarious things to say.

Spoon is a funny word!

That wasn't really what I was going for.

Quick - think of a pun!

Someone said something about pizza - lets run with that. There's not mushroom to work with this. In fact, these are SUPREMEly bad jokes. Yep. That's it.



Why do I even try?

How to Pass as a Real Gangsta

Ok, so some mayn't think that I'm an authority on this subject - but to those who say so, you clearly have never met my alter ego Ali-Sizzle.

So for those who are struggling to be gangsta, and have really reached the end of their tether with regard to general thug-ness, here are some helpful hints.

• Choose an appropriately ballin' name. (I chose my middle name, followed by sizzle. Ballin' yo.)

• Wear clothes that are too big for you. You want the 'big brother's hand-me-downs' look, or the 'hobo sports-enthusiast' look. Think big sports shirts and pants that won't stay up. This also extends to shoes. Wear giant sneakers that are comically out of proportion to your feet. I affectionately refer to these types of shoe as dolphins.

• Use gangsta catchphrases, these include but are not limited to:
• Ballin'
• Swag
• Dope
• Homies/ home-dog (For added emphasis, elongate 'dog' to 'dawwwwwg')
• Yo (can be added in conversations intermittently, to encourage agreement, or draw attention to a point)
• Cash money cold
• Cray (As in 'dat shit cray/bitches be cray' rather than referring to the crustacean)
• Chea bea
• Gettin' paper
• THUG LIFE! (see below)

• Start disrespecting women. This will get you all the respect that you want from your new gangsta friends. Calling women 'bitches', 'hoes', 'whores' or any other derogatory term that casts aspersions on her purity will aid you in this. Only proceed to use these terms on someone's mother if you're prepared to face the consequences.

• Shout 'THUG LIFE!' at appropriate times where you are experiencing difficulty, eg getting shot at/being discriminated against/being too tall for the log flume/not having enough money to buy frozen coke/finding that someone's eaten all your favourite cereal/realizing that none of your current bling matches your new grillz/not being able to find your copy of One Direction's new album/realizing that the tattoo artist spelled your cat's name wrong or any other calamity that may come your way. The important point to remember is that it must be shouted frequently, so that everyone knows that life is really hard for you, and that this has shaped you into the hard individual that you are today.

• Listen to music/watch TV programs and generally immerse yourself in entertainment that glorifies any or all of the above, so as to perpetuate, reinforce and encourage the new mannerisms that you are imbibing yourself with.

So there you are.

Hang tough Flame on motherf'ckers. (That's more like it).

- Ali-Sizzle.

Those Sneaky Badgers

Don't you hate it when you think of something hilarious to say, and then it just slips out of your head? I'm sure that that just happened to me. Maybe a small purple badger is living in my head, eating all my good thoughts before I have a good chance to share them. So rude.

Phenomena!

I was thinking the other day, as I am wont to do, and I formulated a concept for the phenomenon that occurs when someone tells you something that you didn't really want to know and now you can never look at them the same.

I call it the Third Nipple Effect. 

Ponder that :)

YOU'RE NOT BEING FUNNY!

So, as you may have noticed, I haven't been being particularly hilarious in the past few weeks. This is because I haven't had much to be funny about recently :(

I won't burden you all, but I was a bit of a sad Caitlin.

ANYWAY, I will not be all sorry, 'cause this is MY BLOG, GOSH DARN IT, and I'll be funny when I want to be.

Sweet, autobots roll out.

I just had a vision of bumblebee and friends in aprons at a transformers baking class, led by a scary yet matronly autobot brandishing a rolling pin. 

See, there you go, that was funny. Kind of.

Spoody Bloonerisms!

So I was having a conversation about roofies - the date rape drug, and I managed to confuse myself.
Instead of saying date rape, I said drape rate.

Imagine what would happen if you got that mixed up in real life - if you drugged someone with a drape rate drug by mistake. Instead of being able to have your wicked way with someone, you would have them giving their harsh and honest opinion of your window dressings - oh the horror!

Sneaky Sneaky Hobos

Does anyone else get mystery hair (human or animal) all over their clothes with no contact from either?

Seriously, I feel like when I sleep, hobos and stray cats climb in my window and just shake themselves out over me, then proceed to leave just as quietly as they arrived.

Stupid hobos and their stealthy practical jokes...

The Sad Volcano

There once was a volcano with an emotional disorder.

When she felt down, she would build up her lava inside, press it all down deep to put on a strong front.

But every so often it would burst out, hurting the people she loved.

She hated hurting the people she loved, so would bottle everything up again, leading to the same result.

I guess you could say it was a viscous cycle.

Hahahahahaha

How to Avoid a Horrible Death

Once upon a time, there was a girl who watched a scary movie.

That girl sat on her computer until the wee hours of the night because she didn't want to sleep, 'cause that's when they STRIKE.

She heard a noise behind her, and turned to see that, upon the wall, there was A FACE!






The face was reasonably inoffensive in aesthetic, but the mesmerising quality was the hair.

Dayum girl that hair look fine.

After being captivated for a good while, a revelation dawned. It was...




HER OWN FACE!
She was pleasantly surprised that her hair had survived all day in a ragged bun but still looked good in the reflection.

She was so pleased, in fact, that she cleared the stuff off her bed and went to sleep.





And that, kids, is how you overcome fear.


*Guitar solo of success*

An Epic Battle

There is an epic battle being waged. This battle involves a bunny and a badger and some unintended alliteration.

And it's going on in my head.

The two parties are, on the one side, motivation, and on the other side, procrastination. For the purposes of the following dialogue, motivation is an enthusiastic, small, pink, fluffy rabbit wearing Harry Potter glasses. Procrastination is a too-cool-for-gruel badger in a leather jacket. It's going a little like this:

Motivation: Get up! It's time to do your essay! It was due 2 days ago! Go go go!

Procrastination: You know what would be cool, to lay in bed and play out your weddings if they were with different people.

Motivation: Yeah, that would be cool - wait! Your studies are important! Get your bootylicious butt up!

*Interlude where boyfriend rings me up and I get up, partly because he asks, and partly because I feel guilty that I was thinking of marrying other people, if even in a purely hypothetical sense*

Ok, so now I'm on the computer at 9:11am, feeling successful -

Motivation: Time for study! Good thing you left your computer on last night with those journal articles up so that you could look at them first thing!

Procrastination: You should get your day started by looking at facebook and emails. Go on, new tab and click the shortcut - it's right there.

Motivation: Ooh yes, and you can see if you won at sleazeball bingo yet! [I haven't yet, but the request is still pending] And then see if there's any drama unfolding on other people's- hey wait, it's essay time! You should feel guilty because you have to study a whole year's worth of course material tomorrow, so the sooner you finish thi-AGH! *sploosh!* [Procrastination just threw her motorcycle helmet, knocking Motivation clear into a bowl of pea soup].

Procrastination: Ooh, that Sonny Bill Williams is one suave dude, we should Google image him. After that we can watch Lonely Island videos and attempt to stalk Jorma's wife and see if there's any chance she'll leave him so we can have him to ourselves!

Now it's 1:07pm, I'm feeling less successful -

Motivation: [Now green and soggy, and infinitely less attractive] Eurgh, this is never gonna come out. *angry bunny eyes* ESSAY!

Procrastination: Food!

*I go to get fudge and juice and open up my essay document upon my return*

Motivation:There we go. Now. Write ALL the words!

*10 minutes and a word count later*

Procrastination: Ugh, you've done 15% of it, go and have a break.

Motivation: NO! MORE WORDS!

Procrastination: You should Google Legolas. He's one sexy E.L.F (if ya know what I mean)...

Motivation: We all know you're partial to a bit of Orly, but without completing this essay soon, you won't have enough time to study tomorrow and YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  ... See what I did there? 

Procrastination: One cannot simply get off Google images.

Motivation: You wicked badger, always one-upping me with your clever pop-culture/meme related puns. That's what I get for trying to be culturally relevant and humourous at the same time. 

Procrastination: Meh.

These two characters frequent my thoughts so often now that I think I'm becoming immune to the real-world consequences of my actions. I justify this by telling myself that I will learn my lesson when I get my marks back. Unfortunately the cause and effect process doesn't work properly in my head, and instead of attributing my poor grade to my lackluster motivation and subsequent extreme procrastination, I get angry at the lecturer for not appreciating my work.

I am going to have some lunch and get dressed and then finish my essay. After finishing it I will leave it for a while and go back to check it. Hold me to that, internet!

I Invented a Game

I call it Sleazeball Bingo(C).

What you need to do is,

1) Open up facebook

2) Randomly search up a member of the opposite sex that you DON’T know

3) Friend request them

Now if they add you as a friend, you have found a sleazeball! Shout BINGO! loudly and brag to all your friends, you're a winner!

PS My fingers always get excited when I type in all caps, it’s like they know I’m about to say something excited and they get all wriggly - hence when i was typing out BINGO I managed to type both BOING and BONGO before I got it right. Sigh.

PPS You could shout either of the aforementioned spelling mistakes instead to add a new twist to the game, if you liked :)

To All Who Wanted to Know

Today I was educated by a male of such awesome manliness, I shall never forget his lesson.

He taught me how to look cool whilst driving a crappy Vauxhall.

Step 1 - Cut a hole in a box Grow a beard

Step 2 - Put your junk in that box Wear a contrasting shirt to make your facial hair 'pop'.

Step 3 - Make her open the box Put your arm out the window and stroke your beard in a wise way, whilst speeding.

And that's the way you do it, a prick in a Vaux!

Greetings!

I just stole that salutation from my flatmate. I am wont to do that at times.

I have some rules here to make life so much more enjoyable for everyone! You should acknowledge them and weave them into your daily lives.

1) If you're mad at someone, imagine them with a mustache. Poof! Problem solved.

2) Sometimes, singing at the top of your lungs is really the best thing you can do. Liberate yourself.

3) Take off all your clothes. (This will really only be beneficial to me, knowing that someone, somewhere is taking off their clothes *creepy wink*)

4) Throw fruit/veges off of a high platform just to see them splat on the ground.

5) Make up hilarious puns and bring them out often. (Hilariousness may be subjective).

6) Laugh at your own jokes.

7) In fact, don't even bother to share the aforementioned puns with anyone. Just laugh at them yourself. Marvel at your own brilliant wit! You're a chameleon!

Yep. Hilarity.