Ok, so some mayn't think that I'm an authority on this subject - but to those who say so, you clearly have never met my alter ego Ali-Sizzle.
So for those who are struggling to be gangsta, and have really reached the end of their tether with regard to general thug-ness, here are some helpful hints.
- Choose an appropriately ballin' name. (I chose my middle name, followed by sizzle. Ballin' yo.)
- Wear clothes that are too big for you. You want the 'big brother's hand-me-downs' look, or the 'hobo sports-enthusiast' look. Think big sports shirts and pants that won't stay up. This also extends to shoes. Wear giant sneakers that are comically out of proportion to your feet. I affectionately refer to these types of shoe as dolphins.
- Use gangsta catchphrases, these include but are not limited to:
- Ballin'
- Swag
- Dope
- Homies/ home-dog (For added emphasis, elongate 'dog' to 'dawwwwwg')
- Yo (can be added in conversations intermittently, to encourage agreement, or draw attention to a point)
- Cash money cold
- Cray (As in 'dat shit cray/bitches be cray' rather than referring to the crustacean)
- Chea bea
- Gettin' paper
- THUG LIFE! (see below)
- Start disrespecting women. This will get you all the respect that you want from your new gangsta friends. Calling women 'bitches', 'hoes', 'whores' or any other derogatory term that casts aspersions on her purity will aid you in this. Only proceed to use these terms on someone's mother if you're prepared to face the consequences.
- Shout 'THUG LIFE!' at appropriate times where you are experiencing difficulty, eg getting shot at/being discriminated against/being too tall for the log flume/not having enough money to buy frozen coke/finding that someone's eaten all your favourite cereal/realizing that none of your current bling matches your new grillz/not being able to find your copy of One Direction's new album/realizing that the tattoo artist spelled your cat's name wrong or any other calamity that may come your way. The important point to remember is that it must be shouted frequently, so that everyone knows that life is really hard for you, and that this has shaped you into the hard individual that you are today.
- Listen to music/watch TV programs and generally immerse yourself in entertainment that glorifies any or all of the above, so as to perpetuate, reinforce and encourage the new mannerisms that you are imbibing yourself with.
So there you are.
Hang tough Flame on motherf'ckers. (That's more like it).
- Ali-Sizzle.
