Sunday, 22 July 2012

Bad Jokes

I have a lot of power right now. I could write anything. Including my assignment that I'm currently avoiding. I should probably just get on to that. Thing is though, that I tend to leave things to the last minute - hence one of my previous posts.

Currently I am trying to think of hilarious things to say.

Spoon is a funny word!

That wasn't really what I was going for.

Quick - think of a pun!

Someone said something about pizza - lets run with that. There's not mushroom to work with this. In fact, these are SUPREMEly bad jokes. Yep. That's it.

Why do I even try?

Monday, 9 July 2012

How to Pass as a Real Gangsta

Ok, so some mayn't think that I'm an authority on this subject - but to those who say so, you clearly have never met my alter ego Ali-Sizzle.

So for those who are struggling to be gangsta, and have really reached the end of their tether with regard to general thug-ness, here are some helpful hints.

  • Choose an appropriately ballin' name. (I chose my middle name, followed by sizzle. Ballin' yo.)
  • Wear clothes that are too big for you. You want the 'big brother's hand-me-downs' look, or the 'hobo sports-enthusiast' look. Think big sports shirts and pants that won't stay up. This also extends to shoes. Wear giant sneakers that are comically out of proportion to your feet. I affectionately refer to these types of shoe as dolphins.
  • Use gangsta catchphrases, these include but are not limited to:
    • Ballin'
    • Swag
    • Dope
    • Homies/ home-dog (For added emphasis, elongate 'dog' to 'dawwwwwg')
    • Yo (can be added in conversations intermittently, to encourage agreement, or draw attention to a point)
    • Cash money cold
    • Cray (As in 'dat shit cray/bitches be cray' rather than referring to the crustacean)
    • Chea bea
    • Gettin' paper
    • THUG LIFE! (see below)
  • Start disrespecting women. This will get you all the respect that you want from your new gangsta friends. Calling women 'bitches', 'hoes', 'whores' or any other derogatory term that casts aspersions on her purity will aid you in this. Only proceed to use these terms on someone's mother if you're prepared to face the consequences.
  • Shout 'THUG LIFE!' at appropriate times where you are experiencing difficulty, eg getting shot at/being discriminated against/being too tall for the log flume/not having enough money to buy frozen coke/finding that someone's eaten all your favourite cereal/realizing that none of your current bling matches your new grillz/not being able to find your copy of One Direction's new album/realizing that the tattoo artist spelled your cat's name wrong or any other calamity that may come your way. The important point to remember is that it must be shouted frequently, so that everyone knows that life is really hard for you, and that this has shaped you into the hard individual that you are today.
  • Listen to music/watch TV programs and generally immerse yourself in entertainment that glorifies any or all of the above, so as to perpetuate, reinforce and encourage the new mannerisms that you are imbibing yourself with.

So there you are.
Hang tough Flame on motherf'ckers. (That's more like it).

- Ali-Sizzle.

Those Sneaky Badgers

Don't you hate it when you think of something hilarious to say, and then it just slips out of your head? I'm sure that that just happened to me. Maybe a small purple badger is living in my head, eating all my good thoughts before I have a good chance to share them. So rude.

Thursday, 22 December 2011


I was thinking the other day, as I am wont to do, and I formulated a concept for the phenomenon that occurs when someone tells you something that you didn't really want to know and now you can never look at them the same.

I call it the Third Nipple Effect. 

Ponder that :)

Saturday, 3 December 2011


So, as you may have noticed, I haven't been being particularly hilarious in the past few weeks. This is because I haven't had much to be funny about recently :(

I won't burden you all, but I was a bit of a sad Caitlin.

ANYWAY, I will not be all sorry, 'cause this is MY BLOG, GOSH DARN IT, and I'll be funny when I want to be.

Sweet, autobots roll out.

I just had a vision of bumblebee and friends in aprons at a transformers baking class, led by a scary yet matronly autobot brandishing a rolling pin. 

See, there you go, that was funny. Kind of.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Spoody Bloonerisms!

So I was having a conversation about roofies - the date rape drug, and I managed to confuse myself.
Instead of saying date rape, I said drape rate.

Imagine what would happen if you got that mixed up in real life - if you drugged someone with a drape rate drug by mistake. Instead of being able to have your wicked way with someone, you would have them giving their harsh and honest opinion of your window dressings - oh the horror!

Sneaky Sneaky Hobos

Does anyone else get mystery hair (human or animal) all over their clothes with no contact from either?

Seriously, I feel like when I sleep, hobos and stray cats climb in my window and just shake themselves out over me, then proceed to leave just as quietly as they arrived.

Stupid hobos and their stealthy practical jokes...